Frankie The Crooner Stiffsteiff aka Boogaloo Bear as you all
know and love him now, started out shackled to a bitingly tough
contract with Tommy Dog, of the Dead Loss Dog Band.
He got too big for the band, as you can see, and
approached Uncle Luigi for help.
Luigi had to have a quiet word with Tommy, but fortunately
he understood quiet words, and reluctantly let him go, to start a
solo career as Basie Bear, the well known heart throb and crooner,
something he was infinitely better cut out for as below.
Then with fifties advent of the Teddy Boy era, he had to strut
some mean stuff with a harder backing group, and teamed
up as front man with Billy and the Bad Boys, along with
Red Rooster who went bad ways, Marvin the Marvelous,
Bee Sting Benny, Gorilla Man and Simon the
More about Simon at the bottom in footnotes.
He got hit in the seventies with the urge to join flower power,
and joined this hip laid back band of alley cats, called the Strange
Symphonic Stray Cats, transforming them into
Hey Joe and the Halos.
A good part of the day unfortunately they were asleep.
With the emergence of punk, Frankie met what was actually an alien cat,
later sent packing by Gimpo, and then dealt with by Luciano,
and the weird metal dog, called improbably Rover, and hit out hard with his band
Ronnie and the Robos, almost losing an arm in the process.
With the interstellar disappearance of Robopuss, the alien cat, the band
fell apart and he lay in limbo for a while, only to re emerge with a new
wave group called Legs and the Ladybirds, found lurking amongst
his roses and blackberry bushes looking furtive.
He convinced them finally that there was more to life than wooden aphids,
and thus began their heady rise up the charts.
All went well for a while, but disaster seems to stalk Frankie, and
due to an unfortunate episode with an industrial pesticide crop
sprayer running amok on stage, spraying everything, the band disintegrated.
His exposure to strange wooden creatures on stage three nights a week
led to a short spell as local crooner in Eastenders, but he soon tired
of singing You Slag I Will Sort You, and fortunately met Monkey Man,
and his strange voodoo partner, Nell, at Gordons fish appreciation seance in
Monkey Man being so huge, it took a while to sort out the contracts,
and he meanwhile wowed the Funk scene with his new look
BB cool C.
This new liftoff was totally unexpected, but fortuitous towards his
new partnership with Monkey Man and Voodoo Nell,
ultimately naming themselves
Cool swingers cast a spell on you.
that is where our legendary crooner is now, as you all know,
top of the charts, top banana.
So thats it, aged 84 and still without a facelift, calling Cliff
Sir Young Cliff, and still dancing with Brucie. What a bear he is.
Addendum on Simon the Carniverous sheep, for Mike Sweet who inquired.
Some rumour he is related indirectly to Troll, the famous cannibalistic
Teddy Bear and distant cousin to Frankie twice removed.
Known to be prone to histrionic temper, unusual in sheep, possibly
due to his artistic temperament, and also the unfortunate episode
with the electric guitar, he stalks roaming pumas and large wild cats
in country hideouts where others deny their existance.
Carcases of these cats are reputedly seen, but never attributed to
Simon directly, although it is known he once threatened to eat
his roadie after the electrocution, and he did subsequently disappear
in strange circumstances.
Though rumoured he regularly eats cow pie, this has never been adequately
proved beyond reasonable doubt. Though pictures of this circulate.
The jury is out at present on Simon.