He is an alpine assault teddy.
He takes on the perilous tasks in the Alps
and various other twin peaks and ascents.
He wears chains so he wont fall off, and leather
boots and overalls to keep safe from sharp and
jagged stones and fissures. He is fearless and
has survived many lashings on the slopes, from
the hailstones and flash floods.
That is Packwood House, it looks innocent enough, but rumour
has reached Luigi that the elusive Hiram The Humorous,
well known master of craft and duplicity is holed up here homicidally hovering.
He could be a threat to the whole of humanity, let alone
Stiffsteiffs. It is rumoured he is in touch with
the wily and sinister Alien cat.
Luigis last known pictures of Hiram, a master of
disguise and crampon man extraordinaire.
See how he laughs at fear, derides pursuit.
An arch villain if ever you saw one.
Note the laconic stance, and the ease of smile,
the apparent innocence and harmlessness,
hallmarks of this clever, Moriaty trained,
Master Criminal at large.
Luigi decides to send Marvinthemarvellous, the ace peak assaulter to
flush him out, apparently he has to penetrate right up to the mount,
and find Hiram the Humorous up there in his new lair.
Then he must tie him up and drag him back for severe punishment.
Fortunately he was trained for just that.
He is briefed by Benny the Bull, a tough
Scottish customer, who knows Hiram the Humorous
only too well, he bent his horns.
Being a Scots hard man, he is a bit dubious about
Marvinthemarvellouses clothes, but assumes he
is working undercover, or something similar.
Strangely, he is turned away at the main doors of the great house,
with bewildered looks all round, except for the maid.
Probably all the climbing gear. So he creeps
around the side and across the lawn,
lounging in leather.
He uses all available cover, and subtly
blends effortlessly into his surroundings.
He quietly questions the local intelligentsia,
who sleepily tell him all they know.
Armed with their information he finds, nothing.
What to do. He must find a source
of reliable information.
Forthwith if not sooner.
He blends in again.
Fooled you this time.
Suddenly he is saved, a tourist suddenly appears
and is soon pointing him in the right
Hiram the Humerous, Arch Criminal,
Master of Deception, Moriaty pupil,
who strikes fear into any mortal.
I saw him on the mount at the end earlier,
eating peanut butter sandwiches and leering.
In actual fact I told him he was a very bad boy.
He leaves this naive tourist, who has only served to
antagonise and inflame Hiram to new heights,
and hurries almost manically onward.
Only pausing to give a brief 35 photos and two autographs,
he sidles past the bee boles
stung by anticipation.
Pausing only for honey.
Three hours later he resurfaces burping.
He creeps down the prickly passage of no return.
And pauses only to pose for a few more photos
for some strangely dressed Swedes with sticks.
Then its all teddy systems go.
He rapidly crosses the Massive Yew Terrace,
a towering terrace of massive ancient yews.
And scales the tallest, using all his
climbing expertise, and the rope.
And lo, there he is, Hiram the Humorous,
hovering homicidally. He uses a few
No contest, soon he is safely trussed.
He takes him back to the Hall, where they
greet him a little more enthusiastically now.
Hiram is securely padlocked, luckily Marvthemarvellous
by chance had a pair in his front pocket,
answering your other question.
The head woman, Lady Jill, takes him in hand.
A rare picture of him smiling.
And then it is off to another mission,
or the Highwayman impression club circuit,
what a strange wierd and unusual animal he is.
Be sure to contact him early, if you
need him stripped for action, as he
is often unavoidably tied up.